Dont patronize me
by sleeperisms
Summary: When Ironhide agrees to undergo sensitivity training things go terribly, terribly wrong.Ratchet decides to fight fire with fire. [movieverse]
1. Dont Patronize me

**I just had this idea and ran with it**

I dont own Transformers.

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"I cold destroy him if you wish." Ironhide's right forearm morphed into his favorite cannon, its mouth wide and menacing, pulsating with blue energy. He brought the weapon down and aligned it with the paper held in the hands of a very unhappy Samuel Witwicky. Sam had a look of distress on his face; the result of the F graded paper that his eyes scanned. For a moment, he envisioned his teacher, Mr.Hosney, sitting in his 1970 Gremlin, combing over his greasy hair in the rear-view when much to his surprise the roof of his Junker peeled clean off, revealing the towering Ironhide, weapons loaded.

He was ripped from his daydream by the sound of a discontent Optimus Prime. "Ironhide, for the last time!" The weapons specialist sighed and flexed his hand, returning it to its normal opposable form. "Forgive me sir." Optimus did not seem pleased with the apology. " I am concerned for you, Ironhide. You cannot even consider harming a human have you learnt nothing?" Sam simply dropped to the lush grass of the hill, thinking to himself how he would explain this to his father. He knew of course, that his dad would take no excuses; Sam would not be allowed to go on his planned visit to see Mikaela this weekend. How much he despised her mother for moving them, it made him want to put Ironhides guns to good use.

Ironhide and Optimus were going back and forth, much to Sam's annoyance. "I'm just saying maybe I could shake him up a little bit." Ironhide's tone suggested that he believed his proposal was totally normal, perhaps even lenient. "Sam can work out his own problems, we don't interfere. Especially with violence, you need to be sensitive to the humans." Sam couldn't hide his frustration any longer. He stood up and waved the paper up in the air. "Um guys, excuse me, I hate to interrupt you but… **WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO ABOUT THIS**?" The bickering bots stood quiet and looked down at their human companion. No response. "You know what forget it. I just wont see her this weekend that's all." He walked over to Bumblebee, who was already transforming into his Disguise and before entering the drivers seat managed to make one last remark. "Look if it's bothering you so much just send him to sensitivity training." With his sarcastic remark behind him, Sam and Bumblebee were backing up, and soon driving down the steep hill.

"He makes a good point." Ratchet, still in his vehicle form added in. "Ironhide you seem to have the most difficult time adjusting, perhaps downloading further data from the human Internet could be to your advantage." Ironhide cycled through his cannons, missiles and guns and finally dropped his head in defeat. "Perhaps you are right."

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Sam's plan for the weekend, now foiled by his father had to undergo some serious re-working. He had settled on one thing, a lot of sleep. However, like most things in Sam's life, his plans took a turn in the opposite direction.

The loud honking from outside of the house was so loud and distinctive it had to have been Optimus. Surely enough once he was dressed and out the door he couldn't miss the eighteen-wheeler parked in the middle of the street, looking very out of place in the middle of a suburban neighborhood. " Will you try and keep it down?!" Sam wasn't particularly happy to be awake anytime before noon, especially on the day he should have been with his girlfriend. Bumblebee popped the door open, and Sam slid behind the wheel. "Hey buddy." The Camero pulled out of the driveway, and fell in behind the already mobile Truck.

"So what's the emergency? And it _better_ be an emergency. My moms letting me out for two hours, hopefully my dad decides to sleep in. " As he spoke he kept his hands fixed on the steering wheel, to feign driving. The radio came to life with the sound of the Autobot leaders voice, the one who was leading the way to the groups meeting place, in the country not far from the farm where Captain Lennox resided. "It is Ironhide, there is a problem with him." Sam grew uneasy in his seat. If there was a problem with the bot, it was sure to be a big one. Its not like robots from space caught colds or had financial troubles, the only thing he could think of would be maybe a mechanical malfunction.

"Has ratchet taken a look at him?" He drummed his fingers on the wheel as they approached the first set of steep hills on the outskirts of Tranquility. "Ratchet has done all he can." Minutes went by with only the sound of the Bumblebees radio playing a song by the Strokes; the transforming camero had picked up on Sam's taste in music over the past couple of months. When they arrived at their destination, Sam sighed aloud. Ironhide wasn't hunched over in pain or in a heap of twisted metal. The black armored Mechanoid was sitting under the familiar oak tree, the light of the rising sun shining in his optics.

Bumblebee accelerated forward and opened his left door, shaking Sam out onto the ground and reversing back to his leaders side. Sam stood up and looked back at the two cars, before walking up to Ironhide. "Hey buddy.." The Autobot turned to Sam, the panels in his face shifting to display some sort of joy. His metallic hand searched the tall grass and then stopped to hover over a patch of wildflowers. Two fingers plucked a single dandelion and brought it down to a confused Sam. The teen took the flower reluctantly.

"Gee thanks." Sam stood there, feeling very awkward holding the white fluff.

"You don't have to fake it if you don't like it." Ironhide snapped, turning his entire body to face away from him. Sam stood there, looking back at the now transformed Autobots, all of whom were shrugging, Ratchet forming a pushing motion with his hands, urging Sam to get closer to Ironhide,

"I love flowers, I really do. Thank you for giving it to me, it means so much." He was improvising as fast as he could, and for a moment felt like he was trying to convince Mikaela to stop being angry with him for some dumb reason. It felt exactly like that actually, like he was talking to an upset woman, overly sensitive….

"Don't patronize me Sam!" His head turned on his shoulders and flashed Sam a quick look, and then he buried his face in his hands, letting out a _very_ disturbing electronic weep that did not end. Sam backed away slowly, and then broke into a sprint towards the others.

"What the hell did you do to him!?" Ratchet put a finger to his mouth. "Quiet, he can hear you!" Sam felt ridiculous as he lowered his voice. "What's the deal?"

"In an attempt to undergo… 'Sensitivity training' Ironhide initiated an information transfer from the leading online resource. The desired result was not achieved." Sam ran a hand through his curly hair. "So what now he's reciting quotes from lifetime now?"

"He seems to over react to anything we say, it requires several attempts to engage him in conversation." Optimus gestured at the ground, where there lay a pile of unused armament. "He has abandoned his weapons and dubbed himself a pacifist."

Sam stood there in silence, six robotic eyes staring down at him. Sam raised his voice over Ironhides weeping.

"If the Decepticons come back," He took one last look at the weeping humanoid.

"We are so screwed."


	2. Footloose

**I dont own Transformers, lets hear it for the boy, or footlose (thank god)**

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"Okay so what's the game plan?" Sam had his hands on his knees, deep in a huddle, surrounded by the enormous heads of concerned Autobots. He felt like the quarterback in some whacked out, very weird football team. He had convinced his father to let him out that Sunday, informing him that there was an _extreme_ national security threat that needed his attention. That seemed to be the trigger for his father, the very words _national security_ rung up images of men in black suits and SUV's. 

"He stopped crying a couple of hours ago, but my last interaction with him proved rather disturbing." Sam looked at Ratchet hard, with an_ are you kidding me? _look. "More disturbing, of course." The robots eyes projected an image into the center of the huddle.

It was a scene from a made for T.V movie that bore the footnote 'Lifetime'. The scene played out with obligatory tears and hallmark moments, which made Sam's male pride hurt.

"Good god man turn it off I've seen enough!" Ratchet complied, the lights fading from his optics. "He has intercepted various television signals. They have adapted to transmit to him. He is acting like an antenna of sorts, getting constant transmission from multiple networks." Sam thought about this for second, running countless possibilities through his head. "Why not just re-program him, or delete whatever's screwing him up?"

"It is not within our ethics to take his personality cortex offline without his consent." Bumblebee explained. "Every time we get near him he is upset by something. He has proven most difficult to approach." Sam clapped his hands together and stood straight.

"Alright guys, here's the plan.We need to get him to trust us. We handle this like we would handle a chick." He paused. "Like I would handle a chick." He felt like a General addressing his troops. "Bumblebee, your on image. Compliment him, and I mean it. Nothing is too miniscule, if you see it, you love it!" The yellow Autobot stood straight and saluted. "Ratchet, you agree with him. Every last word, you think they're brilliant." He stopped his stride along the line of Autobots to face the mighty Optimus Prime. "Optimus, your on presents. Shower him with gifts, that should help us get close enough to him."

Sam looked at his troops and locked his hands behind his back. The mission was tough, dare he say _impossible_, but it needed doing.

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Ironhide was bad. Really bad. His armor was decorated in several places with flowers and his recent broadcast from the 'Oxygen' channel had left him pondering the struggles of a single mother. Sam and the gang slowly approached the Bot, stopping at the base of the tree. Sam knocked a couple of times on the Oak. "Hey there fella, mind if we um, come in?" Ironhide nodded "Hey you guys." Ironhide waved in his company, pulling Bumblebee into a hug. "Oh I've missed you all so much." Bumblebee's panicked expression fell on Sam, who urgently shook his hands for Bumblebee to respond.

"You look very nice today, Ironhide." Sam nodded, but he should have recognized the trap that they walked into. Ironhide pushed Bumblebee away to arms-length. "I look nice today? And what about every other day I suppose I look like a pile of junk?" Ratchet, in his best attempt to do what Sam had informed him to do, pitched in. "Yes I agree, you look very much like junk every other day." Sam slapped his forehead. "_no no no no no no!_" Ironhide gasped loudly and retracted his arms, holding his hands at his chest.

"You..You Monsters!" He turned and was ready to storm off when Optimus saw the opportunity to strike. "Ironhide I have a gift for you." He stopped and turned around to face Optimus. "Oh you shouldn't have." Optimus nodded nervously. "Yes, it is something you have desired for quite some time." Ironhide might have giggled, Sam wasn't sure because he was so caught up in the action of the robot jumping up and down with joy. Optimus drew out a hexagonal object from behind his back. "A tri-beam laser gun, just like you wanted." Ironhide stood still. " A gun? A gun, are you kidding me? Do I _look_ like that kind of person?" His mechanical hands gestured up and down his body, another image Sam was sure he would never forget.

Ironhide was already way down the first hill in his automobile mode, which shed him of his decorative flowers, much to his discontent. The yellow camero rolled up next to him, Sam hanging out the window. "Look we're sorry, we're so sorry." When he got no response, he slapped hard on the side of the door. "Sorry Bee." The convoy continued down a side road that led to the home of the familiar Captain Lennox, who just happened to be on holiday with his family, Hawaii.

The GMC pickup parked itself next to the large home, stirring up some dirt. Sam and Bumblebee left the others behind, and rolled up next to Ironhide. "Look we're sorry. We all want to make it up to you." There was silence. "I've been wanting to do a fix-up project." Sam's heart almost stopped. "_What's he picking up TLC_?" Sam wasted no time however, knowing that his only chance to strike was now. "Yes. Okay. Whatever you want, you got it."

Sam returned to Ratchet and Optimus. "Guys he wants to do a project." Ratchet held his chin. "He wishes to build a device, or repair an engine?" Sam shook his head and turned to face the two story home. "Lennox I am so sorry."

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It was totally and utterly pathetic. Four giant fighting machines were _painting_ a house. And not just painting it, but painting it a very hot pink. Sam was on a ladder, rolling paint over the roof tile. "Ironhide all I'm saying is that usually you don't paint the roof." Ironhide put a hand on his waist and pointed a paint brush at Sam. "Okay, okay, we paint the roof." Bumblebee's stereo was blasting the song 'Lets hear it for the boy' by Denise Williams, while he painted stars and smiley faces on a dried side of the house. Optimus's fingers had several layers of paint on them, having managed to burst more paint cans than he could open.

"Okay remember we're going for a very retro look, so don't be afraid of color." It was very obvious that Ironhide was thoroughly enjoying himself, he constantly would step back and frame the house with his fingers, squealing with delight every time.

Sam had been painting the same spot for twenty minutes, when a gripping realization struck him. Worse than the eerie female nature of Ironhide, more intense than the fact that they were defacing the home of an Army captain. He dropped his roller, and turned in slow motion to face the others.

"WAIT A SECOND! EVERYBODY STOP, STOP THE MUSIC!" There was silence. "Ironhide, could you please tell me why the hell were in the middle of an eighties montage?"

Ironhide met his gaze, unflinchingly. "Footloose."


	3. Tonight on 2020

**I dont own transformers, the view, american gladiator, or barbara walters(i think thats called slavery)**

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The troops sat there, defeated. Ratchet's laser scapel burned away at layers of pink paint that splattered the armor of Optimus. Bumblebee was laying flat on his back, facing the sky. Sam had his hands on his hips and was looking out at Ironhide, prancing around the 'remodeled' home. He knew that he would have to explain this to Lennox, and when hed did he wanted to report a mission accomplished. Failure was not an option, they had come too far.

Sam clapped his hands together, to stir the weary Autobots. "Okay guys stay with me." There was a whir as Bumblebee rose to a sitting position and faced Sam. Ratchet abrubtly stopped clearing the dried paint off of his leader and did the same. "Look we cant just do everything he says. I should have realized that he's in advanced stages of chick-dom, following his every whim only makes things worse." Sam wiped some sweat off of his brow and looked at the Bots. "Alright guys we need a new plan of action. We need to take the offense here."

Ideas bubbled up in Sam's head, barely contained by his rapid speech. " Alright look for example, with Mikaela. When she gets upset at me its usually snappy remarks and pouty faces, alot of sarcasm." Each robot understood those actions, Ironhide had done a splendid job with them. "But when she gets into an argument with another girl, things just.." He put his hands together and brought them apart suddenly. "Explode! I mean, women are really vicious to eachother. We need to fight fire with fire."

Ratchet nodded his head and run a quick internal scan. "My archives indicate a televised broadcast where women frequently battle eachother for supremacy. Perhaps that could work." Sam shook his head fom side to side, rapidly. "No we are not going to use American gladiator.I made a promise to myself..." Sam, noticing that he had let out too much information stopped speaking, and Ratchet continued. "No Sam, i am speaking of 'The View'."

The teen swallowed hard. Had it really come to this? The sigle television program that made his blood boil and his throat burn. The more he thought about it though, the more he considered perhaps it was a neccesary evil. "Alright, what are you suggesting?" Ratchet stood at full stature. "I have run a statistical analysis of each warrior on the program. The combatant designated 'Barbara Walters' seems most often victorious." Sam nodded his head in agreement, Walters did have a way with shutting up women.

"Are you sure you want to do this Ratchet?" Ratchet looked from side to side, then indicated his chest. "Me? Have you gone daft? I was implying that it be Bumblebee." After hearing this, the Yellow automaton slowly began to inch backwards, and he was soon surrounded on all sides. "While working on his vocal procsessor i created a rapid acess link to his system, should things go wrong we could terminate to program 'Barbara Walters' immediately."

Bee looked down at Sam, his optics pleading, begging. Sam looked up at Ratchet, and then ran over to stand next to Bumblebee. The cybertronic being looked overwhelmed with releif, Sam was on his side. Sam wouldnt let the others do this. "Ratchet," Sam said, putting a hand on Bumblebee. "That is...A fantastic idea!" Bumblebee tried to back up more, but the semicircle around him soon closed.

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Ironhide was sitting down, leaning back on Lennox's home. He held a paintbrush and was coloring the tips of his robotic fingers a very bright green. He brought the painted fingertips up to his mouth and feigned blowing. The latest episode of 'The hills' Resonated quite will with him. He could live the lavish life. Bumblebee blocked out the sun as he made hiw way around the corner of the house. Ironhide dropped his hand, and looked up at the newcomer.

"Um, excuse me your blocking out my sun." When Bumblebee stood his ground, arms crossed, Ironhide began to get annoyed. "Hello? Can the little bee buzz off? Your starting to offend me." "It's a fact that it is much more comfortable to be in the position of the person who has been offended than to be the unfortunate cause of it." Ironhide was taken aback. "And what is that supposed to mean?" Bumblebee took a step foward. "Show me the person who claims they are great and lift not a finger, and i will show you a liar." Ironhide stood up, towering a couple of inches over Bumblebee. "Do you wanna start something sister?I will not hesitate to get conflictory on you. "

The fingerpainted Autobot took a defiant step toward the other one, but was stopped by an outstretched yellow arm. "A great many people think that polysyllables are a sign of intelligence" Ironhide froze in his tracks. Without missing a beat, the empowered Bumblebee place both hands on Ironhide's shoudlers and brought him to the ground in a seated position. "Listen to me, and listen to me well. I dont know who you think you are, but allow me to educate you." Bumblebee spoke clearly and without a hint of agression in his voice.

"What was the last notable thing you did?" Ironhide drew a blank. "I painted this house, i designed the whole thing." Bumblebee chuckled sarcastically. "Im sure that this hideous paint job is going to change the world. Im kidding you of course, dear." Bumblebee allowed little time for Ironhide to respond to anything. "I was the the first female evening news anchor, i have been to countless Whitehouse dinners and i was like this with Peter Jennings!" Bumblebee's fingers crossed over eachother. This last response, an obvious malfunction confused Ironhide, but not before he was hit with another line. "You are a spoiled little wannabe princess, face the facts!"

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Bumblebee had been behind the Farm house for over an hour. Sam had fallen asleep behind the wheel of an equally bored Ratchet while Optimus kept his sensors focused on the energy signatures of the two robots. When Bumblebee emerged, he did not look back. Optimus sounded his horn, wich awoke Sam. The concerned teen got out of the emergency vehicle and approached his guardian. In the background the medic and the leader transformed into their bipedal forms.

"So how did it go?" Sam asked, looking for any hint of an answer on the robots face. Bumblebee looked back. "He has stopped crying. He has stopped doing much of anything, he is just sitting there, silent." Ratchet and Optimus looked at eachother. "Are you sure you werent too pushy with him?" A concerned Optimus inquired. Bumblebee snapped at that. "If it's a woman it's caustic, if it's a man it's authority, If it's a woman it's too pushy, if it's a man it's aggressive in the best sense of the word"

They needed to get Bumblebee back to normal. "Ratchet, put him on standby." The transformed H2 was standing behind Bumblebee, a finger expertly placed into his neck. The last words bumblebee heard before he went into diagnostic mode were "See ya Barbarabee." Sam never had a knack for parting words.

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When Bumblebee snapped back to operating mode, he was seated next to Ironhide. He distinctly felt something intruding in his circuits. Ratchet was indeed standing behind him, one hand on his neck and the other on Ironhide's. Optimus engaged Ironhide first. "Ironhide, destroy that boulder." Optimus tossed him an energy cannon and indicated a distant boulder. Ironhide wasted no time in merging with the weapon and blasting the cluster of slone into dust. Optimus outreached a hand to his comrade. "It is good to have you back, Ironhide."

Optimus then turned to Bumblebee. "Interview me." Optimus knelt down, his head meer feet from Bumblebee's. The Camaro stumbled for words. "Interview me now!" Ratchets grip tightened. "Um, well, what do you think about birds?" Ratchet's hand let go of his friends circuitry. Optimus helped Bumblebee to his feet, and patted him on the back. Bumblebee felt like he had just come out of a terrible system error, the last two hours feeling like a blur.

He only vaguely remembered a few things. He turned to Optimus. "How did you know i was back to normal, how did you know i was me?" Optimus smirked. "We tried fixing you a couple of times, we asked the same question every time you came back." Bumblebee didn't understand. "And?"

"The last six times you kept asking me if i killed my wife."


End file.
